‘Surely, there’s got to be 500 of ‘em.’
‘Nothing a wizard like you can’t handle!’
Drell Krentis just stared at the Brute for a minute.
‘I know mathematics aren’t your strong suit, but 500…’
‘… is nothing the mighty wizard Drell Krentis can’t handle!!’ the Brute added, a little louder than last time.
‘Well, if there were 10 maybe…’
‘…is nothing the mighty archwizard of the greatest Wizard College can’t handle!!!’ The barbarian yelled intensely, spittle lfying directly ouf of his mouth into Drell’s face.
‘hurk’ is all the wizard could reply. They were squatting in the evening gloom just outside a Leftist graveyard, ominous sounds rising from beyond the graveyard wall next to them. The echoes marked those sounds as coming from open graves. If that wasn’t enought, zombie-like shuffling coulb e heard over the painfully intense enthousiasm emanating from Belum, barbarian princeling from the northside of the Broken Jaw of the World. Not his real name, by the way. Drell again took a moment to re-evaluate the chances of changing Belum’s mind, and again came up with those being slim at best. Spitting the barbarian’s saliva from his mouth, he said: ‘Fine. Get killed.’
‘Not today, noble caster and lector. Ancestors, attend!’ Belum drew his double-headed axe from his back and leaped the low wall. Only to immediately leap back. Drell looked up, surprise written on his face. White-faced, the Barbarian quietly whispered: ‘There’s a lich.’
‘Sorry, what?’ ‘A lich. A lich in the graveyard. You know, do-er of great evils, vile necromancer going deeper and deeper into the foul arts, finally exceeding his mortal coil and storing his soul in a phylanctery. Master of undead, all that. Let’s head back and…’
‘Wait, you know what a necromancer is? And a lich?’ Belum looked exasparated. ‘I know, it’s too much for the two of us. My grand father used to say ‘know your limitations’ before drinking himself to death.’
‘Did you mean grand father or grandfather?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘Well…’
‘Let’s just go and get the paladins to cleanse this place.’ Belum got up to leave.
‘Wait.’ Drell noticed himself using that damn word again, just like his own mother used so much. But, as her, he was powerless to stop himself.
‘What did the lich look like?’
‘What? I didn’t really get a good look, but the evil monster was dressed pretty tastefully. Nice robes, golden furs, I think he had a crown of golden darkness on his… skull. Anyway, I noticed the pretty slippers, rubies on the toes. Then the red cravat…’
‘Red cravat? I got this.’ Drell stood up. ‘You better remain here. The uhm… powerful magics I’m about to release are not meant for untrained eyes. You know, exploding eyeballs, vocal cords rupturing and all. We don’t want that for you. Actually, it might be even better if you cover your ears whilst hunkering down here. Maybe hum that sweet lullaby your mother sang when you were little.’
‘My mother only cried battle cries and sang songs of battle. She was a shield-maiden after all.’
‘Oef. We’ll unpack that at a later time. Anyway, sing your glorious battle songs, close your eyes, cover your ears and…’ Drell stopped talking since the subject in question already had his earmuffs on, his eyes closed and started to hum the first bars to whatever horrible sons his family sang him. Shrugging, Drell awkwardly needed two tries to hoist his leg onto the wall and onto his belly before rolling off the other side in a tangle of limbs and nearly impaling himself on a femur. Again he was reminded of how he wasn’t very athletic. Then again he was a lot older than the 40-something he looked.
15 minutes later, Drell shook Belum, who still squatted next to the low wall with eyes tightly shut and fingers in ears. He was halfway through ‘99 bodies of Bears on the wall’.
‘Is it over?’ the giant barbarian opened one eye.
‘Yes, it w…’
‘IS IT OVER?’ the barbarian yelled, fingers still in ears. Sighing, the wizard grabbed one of Belum’s arms, taking the finger out of his ears.
‘Yes, here you go.’ He handed the barbarian a skull with a crown of golden darkness. Whistling, the barbarian princeling took the skull and exclaimed: ‘Ancestors, our legend grows!’
‘Let’s go, the fence awaits.’